Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
