Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
