idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
