Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
