So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize