This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
