Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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