My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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