so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
