They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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