If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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