Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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