Moan for me like Helen Keller
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
