I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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