Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
