It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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