Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
