I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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