i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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