I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize