it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
