Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
