I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize