Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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