Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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