i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
