dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
