Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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