dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
