A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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