i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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