Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
