Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
