who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
