Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
