Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
