I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
