i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize