i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
