my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
