yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
