I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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