he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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