just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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