Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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