I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
