The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
