dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
