it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize