i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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