i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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