New low: just hacked my moms facebook
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
