Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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