I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
