If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
