He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I need to sanitize my soul.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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