chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
